| 1:20 am almost two years after being a consultant, there is still one thing that i struggle with - guilt. life as a consultant means that you spend 95% of the time out at the client's office, working with the client and the people in that office more than with your own colleagues. when you are on a project long enough, sometimes you would come across someone from the client's company that you genuinely like and can get along with. you would talk and joke when you see each other in the office, and get to know each other better. but sometimes... whether you want to or not, whether you are directly involved or not, and whether you agree to it or not, these people may end up being negatively impacted by your project - be it losing their job, or having their job so badly impacted by the project outcomes that they choose to resign, or whatever the case may be. all of a sudden, you are afraid to bump into or see that person. even though you may have absolutely nothing to do with the decision or if you didn't even know it was coming, and even though you know the decision is the right decision for your client, you may still feel a great sense of guilt. you start to feel that the person probably hates your guts now, and that they are probably feeling like you betrayed them. they may even be thinking that the whole time you were being nice to them, you were just being a hypocrite, a fake. you know you weren't, but at the same time you could totally understand why they'd feel that way... and it makes you feel awful, guilty. for all the aspects of my job that i love, there is always this that i struggle with. i guess no job is perfect. and i guess slowly i will get immuned and get used to it. perhaps one day i will be able to feel completely guilt-free and indifferent when things like this happen ... but then again, do i really want to end up that way?... |
